Heartbreak on Valentine's Day

This is how Miss Colombia must've felt.

Yesterday morning was my test day. My OB told me to wait for 2 weeks after the procedure and the last progesterone supplement before taking a pregnancy test. This is to avoid a false positive just in case the HCG trigger is still in my system.

So I waited. For 2 weeks. Although… I tested a week ago just to see if I still had some HCG and sure enough, I got a 2nd faint line. So I thought, because it's faint the hormone must be on its way out.

Jay wanted to be there when I take the PT. I would normally do it behind his back because I want to surprise him. But this time he insisted that I wake him up when I'm about to test. I woke up at around 4am because I felt the need to pee. I also woke Jay up and we did the test. We prayed while waiting for the result, then I went to the bathroom to check and there it was. A faint second line. But a line nonetheless. Jay saw it too so I knew my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Now if you've been trying to conceive for many years, you must've visited every blog, forum and website about getting pregnant, then you know that a faint second line is a positive result.

So I was happy. Jay was cautiously happy. But I just couldn't stop thanking God for the answered prayer. I texted my OB and told her that it was just a faint line. She said that's okay because it might just be too early and I can do a repeat test the next day. She also told me to continue with my progesterone supplements.

We were so excited we wanted to tell the world. But we kept it to ourselves because we need to know for sure. We've had 2 false positives in the past so we were very cautious but it didn't stop us from planning on how to break the news to our family. We don't celebrate Valentine's day, but we thought it was a cool Valentine's gift. I already downloaded a pregnancy app and if I were pregnant the baby would've been as small as a poppy seed. Exciting times!

We went to church and had breakfast then Jay had to go to work. I tried to buy some medicine but it was out of stock so I just went home and fell asleep.

Our friend Jem came over with her baby and I hung out with them for a bit then went to the loo. That's when I noticed something in the toilet bowl. There was a very small pinkish blob. Then I realized that I was bleeding. I took a bath because it was really hot and good thing I have one pad at home so I could monitor the bleeding. I messaged Jay and our OB. I was panicking, crying and praying… pleading with God. I didn't know what to pray. I don't know if I was miscarrying or if I had a false positive and was already having my period.

I stayed in bed, afraid to move. My OB replied and told me to take another test the next day if the bleeding continues. It did continue. Like in-your-face-you're-not-pregnant-it-was-a-false-positive kind of bleeding. I'm slowly coming to terms that it's a failed IUI. The faint second line might still be because of the HCG. And I'm already having my period now.

I waited for Jay to come home so I can cry some more. I was so confused and felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces. Even if I knew the success rate for IUI (and it's not very high), I just put everything on the line. I put whatever faith I can afford in God.

Sometimes I don't know how faith works anymore.  I have more questions than answers. But we choose to believe and trust. And just like what Jay said in his prayer this morning, we'll continue to serve & praise God. We'll keep on going. We'll try again. We'll rest, save up, then try again. And again.