My tear bottle

It has been a few months since I started this blog. My heart was full of hope back then, and it was as if I was seeing the world with different eyes.

But between those moments and today, I've have had some "episodes" of dark despair. I thought my heart will always be full of hope and I wouldn't be asking questions anymore. It turned out I was just setting my self up for disappointment.

Even though I'm writing this now and my heart is at peace, I know that I could just as easily breakdown again when things don't go according to plan. I should be used to disappointment and frustration by now, but every time I get a negative pregnancy test and whenever I get my period, it's heartbreak all over again. The degree or level of pain varies as I've discovered recently.

There are times when a 3-minute cry in the shower is good enough, and there are times when the pain is just too heavy I would be crying my eyes out that it takes me 3 days to recover.

Then I remembered that God not only knows when I'm crying, He actually keeps track of my sorrow. He has a tear bottle for me.

Psalm 56:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Our tears don't go unnoticed. We may cry silently on our own but we have a Father in heaven who feels our pain and who comforts us when we grieve. So yes, we can let those tears flow. It may be that the tears we've cried could already fill up an olympic size pool, but the good thing about it is that we don't cry as if there's no more hope in the horizon. The tears are momentary. God's promises are forever.

"Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning" - Psalms 30:5b

Faith Enough

I've probably asked all questions.

All the when? how? why?

I've uttered every prayer.

Still nothing.

I swing between hope and despair. 

And it's not like there isn't any hope at all.
It's just this despair that is more tangible. 

So let me ask again. 

Haven't we waited long enough?

Haven't I cried enough tears?

Haven't I trusted you enough?

Haven't I given you all my fears?

Haven't I got faith enough to finally see Your hand move?

Hope of all hearts

My world was rocked when an Ob-Gyn broke the news that I have polycystic ovaries (PCOS). The doctor said I'd have a hard time getting pregnant, and that I'm at the risk of being obese, or getting diabetes. And let's not forget the increased hair growth in different parts of my body but my head.

I've asked the obvious questions: 

"Why?"  

"Why me?"

"When will it be my turn?"

I've cried my eyes out on a lot of occasions just because I saw a pregnancy announcement on facebook or heard that somebody got pregnant... again. 

I've been with different Ob-Gyn's (the one I'm seeing now is the 7th) and prescribed with medicines that gave me mood swings and hot flashes. 

We've uttered countless of prayers and also asked for prayers from friends and family and got asked a gazillion times, "When will you get pregnant?" And we've been told by well meaning people, "You're next!" 

Yey! 

We also got two heart breaking false positives in the past couple of years, and waited many hours for my turn for an ultrasound to check for any signs of life, only to hear the Sonologist say,

"I don't see anything. Are you sure it was a positive result?"

"Yes doc. The pregnancy blood test read 'Positive'". 

I cried. I bargained. I became bitter. I got jealous. I envied. I doubted. I hid people from my facebook timeline. I hoped. I got disappointed. I cried some more. I questioned God. I tried not to think about it only to end up thinking about it more. 

For three years I begged and I prayed almost with the intensity and "drama" of Rachel's plea in the Bible: 

"Give me children or I'll die!" 

From the time Jay and I got married having a baby has always been our hearts's desire. It was all I could think about and whether I'd like to admit it or not, it's what my life has been all about for the last three years. So I really can't blame other people when everytime they see me, instead of asking me about my work, or what i've been up to recently, they would just say,  "Meron na ba?" while rubbing their tummies. I actually have a friend who touched my belly one time and asked, "How many months?" I should have answered, "If you're asking about the fats, two years and counting."

My heart was tired of all the negative emotions. I got tired of the unanswered questions. 

But just recently I came to a realization (with some help from my amazing husband): 

I claimed to have faith only to realize it's just lip service. That I'm just another doubting Thomas. Everything I claim God to be in my life was just in my head but not in my heart. My brain is telling me God has a wonderful plan for me because I've read that in the Bible, but my heart believes otherwise. 

Yet, He continues to stubbornly love me. He doesn't stop and will never stop loving me... despite my questions, doubts and tantrums. 

It's quite overwhelming really. If you think about it. 

Imagine me at this stage, thinking that the best thing that could ever happen to me right now is to have a baby. 

And God in His infinite wisdom has something wonderful planned for me. That could include a baby in the future, or maybe not. All I know right now is that it's going to be more than I could ever hope for or imagine. Because that's His promise. And He who promised is faithful. 

It took some time for me to fully understand and accept in my heart that God's plan for me is something He has planned JUST for me. And there's no point in comparing that blessing with other people's blessings because that would put a limit to what God can do in my life. 

And though I'm tempted to say I've wasted almost 3 years of my life feeling down and sorry for myself, those months of being down in the dumps weren't a total waste. God has turned all the negative stuff into beautiful life lessons. It strengthened my relationship with Jay. It caused me to take a good look at my self and made me realize that my life is not about me, or having kids of my own, or going after my dreams. It's not about my marriage or career, or my plans in the future. 

It's all about Jesus.  

Everything I do and should do, and everything my life is all about is to glorify Him.  

And that just puts everything in perspective. It also puts my heart at peace. And because it's all about the Lover of my Soul, I can now stop trying and start trusting. Because I know He loves me and He has a perfect plan for me, I can rest in His arms knowing whatever happens from here on out, that'd still be God's best for me. 

Not only does God give me hope or that my hope is in Him... He's the very hope I cling to. He's the hope of my heart.