Out of our hands

Last weekend I went to my parents' house to see my Ob-Gyn (Dr. Malou Escobar). She was the one who delivered my adorable niece. She's not a fertility specialist but she's handled infertility cases and hopefully the last doctor we'll be consulting for our baby journey. Yep, I have a long list of doctors I've consulted with but Jay and I have decided to finally stick with her. Thank God for my dad's network of doctors (they're the best ones in their fields, too!)

It was really God's providence that I was able to see her and consult with her for free! Bless her heart.
The first time I went to her office was late last year. When I was about to go for a follow up consultation, Jay and I missed her by a few minutes. We got to her clinic and was told by her secretary that she had just left for a meeting. I got frustrated and didn't feel like going back to see her again. I was really upset because we had to travel some distance but things didn't go according to plan.

So I looked up the internet for another OB who's also a reproductive endocrinologist and is accredited by our company's HMO. I found one and I saw her thrice. For reference, let's call her Dr. A. She laid down a fertility game plan and I was at the 3rd month of our first phase when I decided to rest. I was supposed to do my last round of taking fertility pills and follicle monitoring last month to see if I was releasing eggs but I decided to rest.

That's just me giving up at the last leg of our 3-month plan because I wasn't seeing any results. I was probably scared to get to the end of the first phase where, according to that OB, I have a 60-80% success rate. Because if nothing happens the 2nd phase will only have a 2-11% success rate. At the back of my head, I was doing my delaying tactics. But two consecutive months of trying did take a toll on me so resting for a cycle or two was the most logical step to take. I realized that 2 cycles of actively trying is my limit.

After that period of rest, I talked with Jay and broached the idea of trying again. We've had that type of conversation before, and discussed up to what extent we will try having a baby and at what age we'd consider adopting. We both agreed IVF is out of the equation (at least for now since we haven't really explored it. The cost is enough to discourage us). We also talked very briefly about how our finances will be affected by the fertility work up since we have to undergo numerous tests and take medications or supplements.

We've also decided to go back to Dr. Escobar. I was thinking that since she's accredited by our HMO and my parents' know her, it will be convenient for us to just have her as our doctor.

So on Saturday morning we finally saw her (it was my 2nd time but Jay's first) and we were quite enlightened, to say the least and became more hopeful.

Now Dr. A on our first meeting ordered a lot of tests but she never got around to checking the results. I was thinking it was a waste of time because she didn't even check it (My fault though because I didn't remind her and never mentioned it in our succeeding consultations). I find her a bit intimidating.

When I saw Dr. Escobar again, I brought the results of the tests and she read them and explained it thoroughly. Apparently, I'm not a full blooded PCOSer because my female hormones are good. And if you're a true PCOS patient, you'd have increased male hormones. The tests also show that I ovulate. Yey! The actual problem lies in my Luteinizing Hormone. In a nutshell, my hormones are out of whack and I have what she calls an Endometrial Ovarian Dissociative Disorder. And I thought Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was already a mouthful!

Dr. Escobar said it's possible that I actually ovulate but my uterine lining doesn't thicken in time. It's like some sort of miscommunication between the hormones. So the best solution would be to regularize it. And that's what we'll be doing for the next 3 months before we start taking fertility pills.

As I was pondering on the whole situation, about the hormones and how everything should be in sync, I just realised how it's out of my hands. I mean, yes, there are ways for me to regulate my hormones by taking pills, losing weight and changing my lifestyle, but in the end, I'm still at the mercy of how well my body functions, and really just at the mercy of the One who created me. I'm not taking away the responsibility from myself to ensure that my body is well taken care of, but it dawned on me that in terms of bringing another human being into the world, sex, good quality eggs and fast swimming sperms don't guarantee another life in 9 months. It still greatly depends on God's plan for our lives. And it's not just any other plan, but THE "plan to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11)

My tear bottle

It has been a few months since I started this blog. My heart was full of hope back then, and it was as if I was seeing the world with different eyes.

But between those moments and today, I've have had some "episodes" of dark despair. I thought my heart will always be full of hope and I wouldn't be asking questions anymore. It turned out I was just setting my self up for disappointment.

Even though I'm writing this now and my heart is at peace, I know that I could just as easily breakdown again when things don't go according to plan. I should be used to disappointment and frustration by now, but every time I get a negative pregnancy test and whenever I get my period, it's heartbreak all over again. The degree or level of pain varies as I've discovered recently.

There are times when a 3-minute cry in the shower is good enough, and there are times when the pain is just too heavy I would be crying my eyes out that it takes me 3 days to recover.

Then I remembered that God not only knows when I'm crying, He actually keeps track of my sorrow. He has a tear bottle for me.

Psalm 56:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Our tears don't go unnoticed. We may cry silently on our own but we have a Father in heaven who feels our pain and who comforts us when we grieve. So yes, we can let those tears flow. It may be that the tears we've cried could already fill up an olympic size pool, but the good thing about it is that we don't cry as if there's no more hope in the horizon. The tears are momentary. God's promises are forever.

"Weeping may tarry for the night but joy comes with the morning" - Psalms 30:5b

Faith Enough

I've probably asked all questions.

All the when? how? why?

I've uttered every prayer.

Still nothing.

I swing between hope and despair. 

And it's not like there isn't any hope at all.
It's just this despair that is more tangible. 

So let me ask again. 

Haven't we waited long enough?

Haven't I cried enough tears?

Haven't I trusted you enough?

Haven't I given you all my fears?

Haven't I got faith enough to finally see Your hand move?

Hope of all hearts

My world was rocked when an Ob-Gyn broke the news that I have polycystic ovaries (PCOS). The doctor said I'd have a hard time getting pregnant, and that I'm at the risk of being obese, or getting diabetes. And let's not forget the increased hair growth in different parts of my body but my head.

I've asked the obvious questions: 

"Why?"  

"Why me?"

"When will it be my turn?"

I've cried my eyes out on a lot of occasions just because I saw a pregnancy announcement on facebook or heard that somebody got pregnant... again. 

I've been with different Ob-Gyn's (the one I'm seeing now is the 7th) and prescribed with medicines that gave me mood swings and hot flashes. 

We've uttered countless of prayers and also asked for prayers from friends and family and got asked a gazillion times, "When will you get pregnant?" And we've been told by well meaning people, "You're next!" 

Yey! 

We also got two heart breaking false positives in the past couple of years, and waited many hours for my turn for an ultrasound to check for any signs of life, only to hear the Sonologist say,

"I don't see anything. Are you sure it was a positive result?"

"Yes doc. The pregnancy blood test read 'Positive'". 

I cried. I bargained. I became bitter. I got jealous. I envied. I doubted. I hid people from my facebook timeline. I hoped. I got disappointed. I cried some more. I questioned God. I tried not to think about it only to end up thinking about it more. 

For three years I begged and I prayed almost with the intensity and "drama" of Rachel's plea in the Bible: 

"Give me children or I'll die!" 

From the time Jay and I got married having a baby has always been our hearts's desire. It was all I could think about and whether I'd like to admit it or not, it's what my life has been all about for the last three years. So I really can't blame other people when everytime they see me, instead of asking me about my work, or what i've been up to recently, they would just say,  "Meron na ba?" while rubbing their tummies. I actually have a friend who touched my belly one time and asked, "How many months?" I should have answered, "If you're asking about the fats, two years and counting."

My heart was tired of all the negative emotions. I got tired of the unanswered questions. 

But just recently I came to a realization (with some help from my amazing husband): 

I claimed to have faith only to realize it's just lip service. That I'm just another doubting Thomas. Everything I claim God to be in my life was just in my head but not in my heart. My brain is telling me God has a wonderful plan for me because I've read that in the Bible, but my heart believes otherwise. 

Yet, He continues to stubbornly love me. He doesn't stop and will never stop loving me... despite my questions, doubts and tantrums. 

It's quite overwhelming really. If you think about it. 

Imagine me at this stage, thinking that the best thing that could ever happen to me right now is to have a baby. 

And God in His infinite wisdom has something wonderful planned for me. That could include a baby in the future, or maybe not. All I know right now is that it's going to be more than I could ever hope for or imagine. Because that's His promise. And He who promised is faithful. 

It took some time for me to fully understand and accept in my heart that God's plan for me is something He has planned JUST for me. And there's no point in comparing that blessing with other people's blessings because that would put a limit to what God can do in my life. 

And though I'm tempted to say I've wasted almost 3 years of my life feeling down and sorry for myself, those months of being down in the dumps weren't a total waste. God has turned all the negative stuff into beautiful life lessons. It strengthened my relationship with Jay. It caused me to take a good look at my self and made me realize that my life is not about me, or having kids of my own, or going after my dreams. It's not about my marriage or career, or my plans in the future. 

It's all about Jesus.  

Everything I do and should do, and everything my life is all about is to glorify Him.  

And that just puts everything in perspective. It also puts my heart at peace. And because it's all about the Lover of my Soul, I can now stop trying and start trusting. Because I know He loves me and He has a perfect plan for me, I can rest in His arms knowing whatever happens from here on out, that'd still be God's best for me. 

Not only does God give me hope or that my hope is in Him... He's the very hope I cling to. He's the hope of my heart.